Tuesday, April 28, 2009

End of an era .......

So long time no blog - the last couple of weeks have been so very sad and I make no apology for the sad post that is to follow, I need to get some things down and out of my head and my blog seems a great place to do that..............

My grandad, who I was privileged to have in my life for 32 years passed away on the 20th April 2009. I wish I could say his last days were happy, but they weren't really, I think he finally gave up - heartbreaking to see and frustrating not to be able to stop him. He had a stroke at the beginning of January and up until 10 days before he died, seemed to be making good progress, enough that a rest home was found for him and arrangements made to leave the rehab unit at the hospital. And that's where it all kind of went downhill.................

He only spent 5 nights there before collapsing and being taken to hospital on the Wednesday evening before he died on the Sunday, we were told Thursday that any family members who needed to travel to see him should get home asap and on Friday, they turned off the fluids and antibugs. He had a mass on his chest, the biopsy to determine what it was, would kill him so we simply had to wait and hope. Friday saw the arrival of all our family from everywhere it seemed, overseas and here in New Zealand, and what followed was a bizarre combination of laughter, tears and silent moments.

I truly think the nurses at the hospital thought we had all shifted in as we were all there constantly in some sort of strange roster that evolved without us arranging it so Grandad wasn't ever alone.
He was permanently on oxygen by then and while he slept alot he was also awake a lot and even in his final hours, his memory of days gone by was as true as ever. Saturday is the day I remember most vividly, the doctors had told us he was on the home stretch, and we all crowded into his room for the best of the day and it was the most amazing thing to listen to my mother, two aunties and uncle (Grandad's children) talk about their childhoods with Grandad, living on the farm as they did and then beyond childhood - I learnt more about my immediate family in those 8 hours than I have in years and I think it was the fact we were there that kept Grandad going, although he did ask several times "when this show going to get on the road"!!!!!! I also laughed alot at some of the stories (My mother was quite resourceful in her younger years let me tell you!! lol) The hardest part was the one time he cried, I think my heart quite literally broke and he knew he was dying but had a strange calm about him none the less..............

My sister and I were the last ones to see him, we offered to do the 10pm to 2.00am shift, I fed him some icecream which he enjoyed immensley and then the nurses gave him some sleeping drops which eventually worked about 1am. Amber and I decided to leave early as he was sleeping so peacefully for the first time in days so we cancelled the 'night shift' who were coming to relieve us........
Getting to sleep when I got home was near impossible but must have eventually dropped off as I was woken by my cellphone ringing at 7.10am, it was Mum and it was the saddest news, Grandad passed sometime between 6-7am on Sunday morning. Both Amber and I felt terrible about leaving him but the lovely nurse who had been looking after him told us that often people wait until they are on their own to leave us, whether that's true or not I don't know but knowing Grandad as I did, I think she is probably not far wrong.

I went to the hospital to say goodbye and it was amazing how peaceful Grandad looked, and I felt relief for him but immense sadness as well. We all spent time with him and then I came home and slept for a few hours but then all the planning begins for his funeral so you summon up the energy and help where you can.

We held his funeral on the Thursday, and without bias can honestly say it was an amazing tribute to an amazing life, something that many of the people there expressed as well. The RSA were involved with Grandad being a returned serviceman and I cannot express how much their involvement added to the whole day- the respect paid to Grandad by both the RSA servicement who conducted their part of the ceremony and the ex-servicemen who placed a poppy on the casket was extremely moving as was the last post which was played - Grandad was completely deserving of all the fuss although I know he would have been embarassed by all the attention.

My sister spoke (how she managed it I will never know) and then the slide show of Grandad's life set to some of his favourite music really upset me but in a good way if that makes sense???? So here we are, over a week since he passed and it doesn't feel like it happened, almost like I read a book or watched it on TV and that's how I know about it, strange really. I have no idea when it will 'hit' me that he is really no longer here, that the kids no longer can see Grandad Ian and there will be no more 'Grandpoppa" for me, gosh losing a loved one leaves a massive hole in your life.

The one thing I have taken from the experience is how much Grandad was loved and respected, his funeral was very large which is humbling as so many of his friends have passed on before him - he would have been 89 in July this year and had enjoyed such good health prior to the stroke. I think giving up was an easy decision in some ways for him, he missed Nana so much and she passed in 1997 so I think he will be so pleased they are back together.

Miss you forever Grandpoppa.............

9 comments:

Trace said...

Oh Meg, I'm sitting here with tears in my eyes. It's so hard losing a loved one. How fortuante that you were all able to surround him with your love for many years and as his time to depart this world drew closer. Big hugs my friend.

mandyb said...

Big Hugs... what a touching tribute

Beverley said...

Aw Meg, sorry to hear this. My thoughts are with you and your family.

Rochelle said...

Meg,thank you for feeling you could share your inner feelings with us. A truly touching story, I sit here with moist eyes. It's sounds as if your Grandad was a very special person indeed and what a lovely tribute to him to have all his family around him in his final days. My thoughts go out to you and your family!

Alison said...

IM so sorry to hear of your loss Meg, my thoughts are with you and your family

Hannah said...

Meg, I am so very sorry for your loss. ou have written an absolutely beautiful tribute to your obviously much-loved grandfather. It's wonderful that you had him in your life for those 32 years, and have many happy memories which I pray will help to ease your pain. HUGE ((hugs)) from me.

Vicki said...

What a lovely tribute you have written about your Grandfather. All the best to you and the rest of the family.

KiwiMich said...

Meg, I am so sorry to hear of your Grandads passing. He sounds like such a wonderful man, and even in his final days it sounds like he brought the family closer together. Big Hugs to you all during this sad time.

Mrs Frizz said...

Memories are for ever
and for ever you will cherish them

Hugs.