So long time no blog - the last couple of weeks have been so very sad and I make no apology for the sad post that is to follow, I need to get some things down and out of my head and my blog seems a great place to do that..............
My grandad, who I was privileged to have in my life for 32 years passed away on the 20th April 2009. I wish I could say his last days were happy, but they weren't really, I think he finally gave up - heartbreaking to see and frustrating not to be able to stop him. He had a stroke at the beginning of January and up until 10 days before he died, seemed to be making good progress, enough that a rest home was found for him and arrangements made to leave the rehab unit at the hospital. And that's where it all kind of went downhill.................
He only spent 5 nights there before collapsing and being taken to hospital on the Wednesday evening before he died on the Sunday, we were told Thursday that any family members who needed to travel to see him should get home asap and on Friday, they turned off the fluids and antibugs. He had a mass on his chest, the biopsy to determine what it was, would kill him so we simply had to wait and hope. Friday saw the arrival of all our family from everywhere it seemed, overseas and here in New Zealand, and what followed was a bizarre combination of laughter, tears and silent moments.
I truly think the nurses at the hospital thought we had all shifted in as we were all there constantly in some sort of strange roster that evolved without us arranging it so Grandad wasn't ever alone.
He was permanently on oxygen by then and while he slept alot he was also awake a lot and even in his final hours, his memory of days gone by was as true as ever. Saturday is the day I remember most vividly, the doctors had told us he was on the home stretch, and we all crowded into his room for the best of the day and it was the most amazing thing to listen to my mother, two aunties and uncle (Grandad's children) talk about their childhoods with Grandad, living on the farm as they did and then beyond childhood - I learnt more about my immediate family in those 8 hours than I have in years and I think it was the fact we were there that kept Grandad going, although he did ask several times "when this show going to get on the road"!!!!!! I also laughed alot at some of the stories (My mother was quite resourceful in her younger years let me tell you!! lol) The hardest part was the one time he cried, I think my heart quite literally broke and he knew he was dying but had a strange calm about him none the less..............
My sister and I were the last ones to see him, we offered to do the 10pm to 2.00am shift, I fed him some icecream which he enjoyed immensley and then the nurses gave him some sleeping drops which eventually worked about 1am. Amber and I decided to leave early as he was sleeping so peacefully for the first time in days so we cancelled the 'night shift' who were coming to relieve us........
Getting to sleep when I got home was near impossible but must have eventually dropped off as I was woken by my cellphone ringing at 7.10am, it was Mum and it was the saddest news, Grandad passed sometime between 6-7am on Sunday morning. Both Amber and I felt terrible about leaving him but the lovely nurse who had been looking after him told us that often people wait until they are on their own to leave us, whether that's true or not I don't know but knowing Grandad as I did, I think she is probably not far wrong.
I went to the hospital to say goodbye and it was amazing how peaceful Grandad looked, and I felt relief for him but immense sadness as well. We all spent time with him and then I came home and slept for a few hours but then all the planning begins for his funeral so you summon up the energy and help where you can.
We held his funeral on the Thursday, and without bias can honestly say it was an amazing tribute to an amazing life, something that many of the people there expressed as well. The RSA were involved with Grandad being a returned serviceman and I cannot express how much their involvement added to the whole day- the respect paid to Grandad by both the RSA servicement who conducted their part of the ceremony and the ex-servicemen who placed a poppy on the casket was extremely moving as was the last post which was played - Grandad was completely deserving of all the fuss although I know he would have been embarassed by all the attention.
My sister spoke (how she managed it I will never know) and then the slide show of Grandad's life set to some of his favourite music really upset me but in a good way if that makes sense???? So here we are, over a week since he passed and it doesn't feel like it happened, almost like I read a book or watched it on TV and that's how I know about it, strange really. I have no idea when it will 'hit' me that he is really no longer here, that the kids no longer can see Grandad Ian and there will be no more 'Grandpoppa" for me, gosh losing a loved one leaves a massive hole in your life.
The one thing I have taken from the experience is how much Grandad was loved and respected, his funeral was very large which is humbling as so many of his friends have passed on before him - he would have been 89 in July this year and had enjoyed such good health prior to the stroke. I think giving up was an easy decision in some ways for him, he missed Nana so much and she passed in 1997 so I think he will be so pleased they are back together.
Miss you forever Grandpoppa.............
Firstly and most importantly - a very happy birthday to this awesome lady who has in recent times developed a special interest in all things tea!!! Word has it that she had her inaugural 'high tea' today - Janine, a very happy birthday from the McKenzies and I hope one day soon we can sit down over a cuppa!!! So in your honour a very scrummy (and extremely bad for the figure) piece of homemade brownie and cup of green tea was consumed this evening - damn good too both were as well!!
